


Custard Pie

by Mi_chan



Series: Good Times, Bad Times Arc - Jimbert AU [8]
Category: Led Zeppelin
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Codependency, F/M, Jimbert AU, Jimmy is not ok, Jimmy is trouble, M/M, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sex Work, Sex worker Jimmy Page, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, ex hustler jimmy, hustler Jimmy, jimbert - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:41:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24166792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mi_chan/pseuds/Mi_chan
Summary: Part of the Good Times, Bad Times Universe! Jimmy is 21, Robert is 32, they are married. LZ doesn't exist here.Robert is on a business trip and Jimmy doesn't know how to cope without his husband. During the first chapter, he does his best not to slip into some very unhealthy coping mechanisms, but he can't quite help it. Luckily, he knows himself and his issues well enough to avoid any real trouble.Luckily, he has good friends, too, although if he isn't careful, he might ruin that as well. The second chapter will focus on his friendship with his best friend, Svenja.This is a coninuation of the storyline, following Jimmy's struggles as a former sex worker and a rape survivor.
Relationships: Jimmy Page/Original Character(s), Jimmy Page/Original Female Character(s), Jimmy Page/Robert Plant
Series: Good Times, Bad Times Arc - Jimbert AU [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1293749
Comments: 17
Kudos: 29





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> You know the drill:  
> You should have read both other stories if you really wanna understand these in depth, since these characters have very little in common with actual Robert Plant and Jimmy Page ;) and they’ll make references to things that happened in the two main stories, but here’s a little breakdown in case you just wanna read the smut:
> 
> Jimmy is 20/21 in this, Robert is 32/33, it takes place in a modern setting, Jimmy is a survivor of abuse, rape and survival sex work, he’s in art school and works part time in a record store. Robert is a successful publisher with his own publishing house. They’re now happily married. They have a bit of a Daddy/boy, Daddy/kitten relationship going on.

Jimmy’s 21st birthday came and went quickly. The boy didn’t even feel like celebrating because he knew that Robert was going to leave the day after. He had come to terms with the fact that he was going to have to get through this, but he was still terrified, he just didn’t know how to deal with being alone with his thoughts for 12 entire days. He’d asked Robert if they could wait with celebrating his birthday until he was back from his business trip and the older man had agreed immediately, knowing that Jimmy would be a lot more relaxed once that was over and done with. 

Jimmy felt awful for being all mopey, especially since he knew that Robert was actually looking forward to his trip, but he just couldn’t help it. He dragged himself to school, stoically smiled through the birthday wishes his friends bestowed upon him, went to work, and spent the rest of the day clinging to his husband like a koala. 

The next day, he skipped school to spend some more time with Robert (much to the older man’s disapproval) and since it was his day off of work, he accompanied him to the airport as well. He couldn’t quite hold back his tears when they said goodbye, even though Robert reassured him that they’d talk every day and that he’d be back soon. It was just hard for Jimmy.

He took a cab back from the airport, since he still didn’t have a license (or a car, for that matter), moped around a bit at home, feeling sorry for himself, before taking Strider for a walk. He had no idea how he was going to sleep that night, without Robert by his side to hold him, keep him warm, make him feel safe, but he’d have to, so he tried to tire himself out. He walked until even Strider was tired, looking up at him with big pleading eyes, he wanted to go back home and curl up for a nap. Jimmy couldn’t help but smile at that, so he humored him and went back home. It was late, but he still wasn’t tired, so he sat down with his drawing tablet and tried to draw, but he had no inspiration whatsoever. Everything he drew came out bleak and sad, but not in a good way, it just looked awful, so he deleted everything and switched off his computer with a heavy sigh. 

Going into the basement of the house, he hoped to tire himself out for good using some of the gym equipment, but it just made him miss Robert even more because it conjured up some very nice memories, so he just ran on a treadmill for a while before going back upstairs, showering and getting ready for bed. It was almost 2am, but he still couldn’t sleep. He’d talked to Robert a little, earlier, when he’d arrived at his hotel, but he couldn’t possibly message him now, he was probably asleep like a baby, so he just started watching some series on Netflix until sleep finally took him.

~

The next day wasn’t much easier, especially running on only a few hours of sleep. He had breakfast with Robert (via a video call), which was lovely and definitely better than not seeing him at all, but it still made him a little sad.School and work distracted him for a while and that night, he fell asleep a tad bit easier than the one before, although the house suddenly seemed way too big and empty. 

When he woke up that night, everything seemed so big and scary, it almost caused him a panic attack, but Strider must have sensed his distress, hopping on the bed to cuddle with him. Jimmy couldn’t deny that having the dog with him made everything a lot easier, he distracted him whenever he needed it, his presence calmed him and made him feel... well, less alone. He scooted over to make some more room for the rather large dog, lying back down. Strider was delighted to be allowed to sleep in bed with the human and lay down as well, snuggling close to Jimmy. When, a few minutes later, he was snoring happily, the boy couldn’t help but smile to himself, going back to sleep.

~

The next day was even worse, Jimmy didn’t have school or work since it was a sunday and so he had no idea what to do with his time. Usually he’d spend the morning with his husband, they’d have breakfast together (if they even made it out of bed before lunch...), would go for walks with Strider, they’d do something together like going to a museum or an art gallery, sometimes they’d go to the movies, other times they’d just stay home, they’d play video games or they’d listen to music or watch movies at home. Quite a bit of time was spent on certain other, more ‘adult’ activities as well (not that they didn’t spend time on that on weekdays, but... they had more time for that on sundays), so Jimmy had never been bored on a sunday.

He called Robert, thinking that maybe he’d be up for some naughtiness, maybe he’d tell him to put on the chastity cage or something, but in the end, it was him that didn’t feel like it even though Robert would have been happy to ‘play’. He apologized, but the blonde wasn’t mad, he understood. 

Not having anything to do made Jimmy incredibly restless, up to the point where he had half a mind to go out, find his old dealer and get himself a fix of... whatever, something that would distract him and make him feel less awful. Of course he knew that if Robert found out, he’d be incredibly disappointed, so he did everything he could think of to refrain from doing just that. 

He knew, though, that he needed to do *something* to scratch that itch he had, something crazy, something exciting, but without Robert, nothing seemed fun. If he didn’t find anything exciting to do, he knew he was going to end up doing something stupid like buying drugs or alcohol and he knew just how bad that would be for his mental health. 

Scrolling through his instagram feed, he noticed an add by a piercing parlor in town that said they were open that sunday. He shook his head at himself at the idea that gave him. 

‘That’s so fucking... clichée.’ He thought to himself and sighed. He had been toying with the idea of getting a nipple pierced for a while now, but he’d never gone through with it. On the one hand, it seemed so corny, on the other hand he just... really... wanted it. ‘Ah, fuck it’, he decided and got off the sofa. He couldn’t take Strider along, so he told the dog that he’d be back soon, and left. 

He took the tube, two stops and he was there. There didn’t seem to be anyone else in the parlor (hence the ad, he supposed), so he entered and looked around nervously. There was a young woman behind the counter with messy, dark purple hair, all tattooed up and with more piercings in her face that he could count, but she looked cute and friendly, smiling at him as she looked up. 

“Hey! Welcome! What can I do for you?” She asked cheerfully. Jimmy almost jumped at being addressed and shook his head at his own reaction. He’d been particularly jumpy ever since Robert had left and it was annoying. 

“I, err... Hi. I wanted... I was thinking... uhm...” He stammer and cursed inwardly. He’d been doing *so* well recently and now that Robert was gone, he was a mess. Back when he’d been homeless, he didn’t have a problem talking to people whatsoever, of course, as a sexworker that would have been disastrous, he needed to make money. But now, that he hadn’t done that in such a long time and only ever really talked to his husband or his friends, he was a mess. It wasn’t much of a problem at work, just ringing up items at the cash register and telling people how much it was wasn’t a problem, but here, he felt like a child.

“Aww, no need to be so nervous, I don’t bite!” She grinned at him. “So, if you want a tattoo, you’re gonna need an appointment, but I can do quick piercings!”

“Yeah, that’s... that’s what I’m here for.” Jimmy said, grateful for her help.

“Cool! Where’s it gonna be, sweety?” She asked, walking around the counter to the single chair in the room, starting to clean and disinfect it. 

“I was thinking... nipple?” He said in a small voice. “But I have some questions.” He couldn’t believe how nervous he was about this, he wasn’t usually like this. 

“Yeah? Ask away.” She said. 

“Well, I was wondering if... would it, uhm... affect sensitivity at all?” He asked awkwardly. He’d wanted a nipple piercing for a while now, but he’d been too worried about losing sensation. He loved how sensitive they were and he didn’t want to ruin that, especially since Robert loved it, too.

“Oh yeah, well, there’s two possibilities, you know. For some people, they get less sensitive, but for other people, it enhances sensitivity. A lot of people actually get them for that reason.” She explained. 

“Oh.” Jimmy breathed. He didn’t really want to risk losing sensitivity at all, but then again, no risk, no fun, right?

“Don’t worry. For the most part, it makes them more sensitive.” She said, giving him a knowing little smile that made Jimmy blush a little. She paused, looking at him for a moment before speaking again. “I’m gonna need to see some ID, by the way... you look really young.” She said, raising an eyebrow at him. 

“Wha-... really?” Jimmy asked. He couldn’t quite help the little grin that was creeping on his face. Who didn’t like being told they look younger than they are? He took his wallet out of the pocket of his jeans and pulled out his ID.

“21? Oh, happy belated birthday.” She said, passing back the ID with another smile. 

“Thanks...” Jimmy answered, smiling coyly as he pocketed his wallet again.

“So, take of your shirt and hop on.” She said, putting on some gloves before disinfecting some tools she was going to use. “Left or right? Or both?”

“Uhm...” Jimmy paused. He hadn’t actually thought about that. The left one was definitely more sensitive, he’d noticed (or rather, Robert had, and the thought made him blush again). “Let’s go for... left.” He decided and took off his jacket, then his shirt. He sat on the chair and leaned back, taking a deep breath.

“I don’t have to tell you that this is gonna hurt, right?” She said with an almost sadistic little grin and Jimmy swallowed.

“No. I’m well aware.” He sighed. He wasn’t looking forward to that part, but he’d have to get through it if he wanted the piercing. 

“Ok, would you like a ring or a straight barbell?” She asked, showing him a selection of piercings to choose from. They all had a price tag as well, some fancier rings with crystals or dangly bits were more expensive. He was almost tempted to pick one of the flashier ones, but then again, maybe a simple ring would be most effective? He chewed his lower lip thoughtfully as he looked at the jewelry before finally making a decision.

“Just the simple ring with the little metal ball... I can always go for something flashier later, right?” He said with a little shrug. The girl nodded.

“Of course, once it’s healed you can go for something else!” She agreed and took one of the simple little rings out of the box, removed the ball and disinfected those as well. Next, sprayed some disinfectant on Jimmy’s chest as well and he almost jumped out of his skin at the cold. When she took something that looked like a cross between scissors and pliers, he really wanted to hopp of that chair, but he stayed put. The thing was clamped on his nipple and he cringed, he didn’t like that at all, but apparently, it was needed. 

Before he even had any time to brace himself, she grabbed the hollow needle she had cleaned before, leaned down to get a better look, and pushed it right through his nipple. Jimmy hissed and clenched his teeth, that had hurt even more than he’d feared and he wasn’t even done yet. That ring still needed to go in. 

“Fucking ow!” He said breathlessly and the girl chuckled. 

“You’ll be fine, we’re almost done.” She said, took the ring, and started to put it through the hole she’d just made, securing it with the little ring. This time, she actually picked up a pair of pliers and squeezed the ring shut. “There you go, all done.” She added, carefully cleaning a few droplets of blood that had dripped on his chest with some tissue. 

“Thanks... so, how long until it’s healed?” Jimmy asked, looking up at her. 

“Fully? That can take anywhere between 6 and 12 months.” She said. Jimmy’s eyes widened.

“Wait, WHAT?? Did you just say *months*??” He asked in disbelief. He hadn’t expected that, but she nodded.

“Yeah, nipple piercings take a long time to heal.” She said as she got busy putting away some of the things she’d used. “Be careful for the first few weeks, disinfect regularly, no baths, only showers, you don’t want an infection. I’ll give you a bottle of disinfectant you can use on it.”

“Uhm, that also means no... uhm... touching it, for a while, huh?” He asked shyly and she flashed him a grin. 

“Nope! No touching!” She said and he groaned. 

“Damnit.” He cursed. “My husband is on a business trip and I wanted to surprise him with it, when he gets back, you know.” He explained and pouted. 

“Well, just tell him that he can look, but he can’t touch.” She grinned. “You still have another one for him to play with, don’t you?”

“Right.” Jimmy mumbled, fighting back a blush. He sat up and gingerly put his shirt back on, then got off the chair. Looking around, his gaze fell on some photos on the wall. There were some tattoos the artist had done, but there were also some piercings. He raised an eyebrow when he noticed that they were even pictures of some genital piercings.

“Interested?” She asked, standing next to him to see what he was looking at. Jimmy laughed nervously.

“Oh hell no!” He said quickly. “That looks... that is... I can’t... even imagine.. no!” He stammered, staring at the picture of a prince albert piercing. He couldn’t imagine why anybody would want to go through that kind of pain in such a sensitive area, just for a piece of metal. The nipple piercing was as far as he was willing to go.

“Well, it’s not for everyone.” She admitted thoughtfully. “Maybe send your husband to me, those piercings feel very... interesting, on the receiving end, I mean. Particularly the big rings.” She said with a little wink and this time, Jimmy did blush. He didn’t even know what to say, Robert would never agree to that, no matter how curious Jimmy was about that. 

He picked up his jacket and went to pay for the piercing, stayed for some more small talk, then left the parlour again. All the excitement about doing something new had definitely helped and he felt a little calmer, more balanced, but not completely back to normal yet. 

He walked around the neighborhood a little, looking at shop windows, until he felt the need for a cigarette. He didn’t even smoke, usually, but he still carried a pack of cigarettes on him just in case. They tended to help in certain situations, when he needed to calm down, they gave him something to do, something to focus on. He leaned against the wall of a building and lit one of them, just watching the people pass by as he smoked.

“Hey.” Jimmy almost dropped the fag when someone addressed him, having snuck up on his left. He turned to look at the man who had spoken to him and his stomach sank when he saw him. He knew the type and he knew exactly where this was going. 

The man was probably in his late 40s, about his height, maybe an inch shorter, he had a belly and he was balding. His clothes looked like he was trying to dress well, but didn’t have the money for it and he had that look in his eyes that Jimmy knew only too well. Everything in him told him to just ignore him and leave, but he didn’t. For whatever reason, Jimmy didn’t even know.

“Hi.” He answered, looking the man up and down with false curiosity. Once he was done with that, he faked a flirty smile and lowered his gaze again, knowing exactly that this type of guy would like that. He was right, the guy came a little closer, leaned against the wall next to Jimmy, then nodded towards the little alley that led away from the main street. 

Not knowing what on earth possessed him, Jimmy nodded and followed the man into the alley, tossing his cigarette to the floor on the way there. His ears were ringing, he was trembling and he still had no idea why he was doing this. He was married, for fucks sake, and this was in his past, behind him. He didn’t work the streets anymore. 

“So, how much?” The guy asked impatiently and Jimmy glanced at him again, then gave him a coy but confident smile.

“I don’t think you can afford me.” He said, surprised by how that came out just fine despite how much he was trembling. 

“What, not even a handjob?” The guy asked. He obviously believed Jimmy, and at first that surprised him, but then again, he didn’t look the same he had back then. He was wearing expensive clothes, he was clean and well groomed. “20 quid?” Jimmy raised an eyebrow at that, that wasn’t a bad price for a quick handjob. 

“25.” He said, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms in front of his chest. The guy sighed, looked at Jimmy for a little longer, then nodded.

“Alright, fine. But make it good.” He said, pulled out his wallet and gave Jimmy the money.

‘What the fuck am I doing??’ Jimmy thought to himself as he stared at the money in his hand, then at the guy. His head was still spinning, he couldn’t believe what was happening and that he was just casually going along with it. He couldn’t deny that it was exciting though. Scary, but exciting, and wasn’t that exactly what he needed?

“Well?” The man asked impatiently, looking around worriedly, he didn’t want to be caught, even though what they were doing wasn’t illegal. He probably thought Jimmy was underage, the fucker. 

Jimmy took a step closer and made to unbuckle the guy’s belt with a trembling hand, but he just couldn’t. He felt sick to his stomach, it just felt so, so wrong. This wasn’t him anymore, Robert would never forgive him if he did that, everything just felt awful all of a sudden. He took a step back and shook his head.

“I can’t.” He whispered. The guy frowned at him. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” Jimmy clarified. “Here.” He thrust the money back at the man, who looked down at his trembling hand for a second before taking it.

“What... what the fuck?” He wondered, but Jimmy was already leaving, quickly walking back towards the main street. “You little shit!” He yelled angrily, and Jimmy started running, knowing very well that the guy would never catch up with him. He took a few turns, but he didn’t stop running until he reached the underground station. Panting, he sat down and the tube took him back home. 

He couldn’t help but grin to himself. That had been exactly what he needed, it had been dangerous, crazy, exciting, and he felt so, so much better now. He actually couldn’t wait to get home and just do normal things, all those things that had seemed so very boring and bland to him a few hours ago.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jimmy goes to school and talks to his friends. Svenja and him decide to hang out and spend the day together, but something goes wrong and Jimmy has a terrible flashback. Svenja is there to comfort him. After some verbal diarrhea on both Jimmy's and Svenja's part, things get awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Jimmy has a pretty bad flashback in this one, no graphic discription, but please be careful. <3

“You look *miserable*.” Emily told him a few days later as they walked through the long corridors of the school. Jimmy could tell she was holding back from teasing him and making fun of him, since she knew he was going through a tough time. 

“I know. Sorry. I’ll try to cheer up.” He mumbled with a sigh. He had been right, the euphoria of doing something new and exciting had only lasted a few hours, and now he was back to the way he felt before. Depressed and restless at the same time, and he knew that wasn’t a good mix. In his case, it was a recipe for disaster.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Emily huffed and rolled her eyes. “I wanted to say that if you need anything... you can tell us, you know? Hey, how about some distraction? Maybe we could go out tonight??” She said cheerfully. It made Jimmy’s stomach turn and he shook his head quickly.

“I don’t feel like it.” He said curtly. Emily paused, then stopped walking and put her hands on her hips, glaring at him.

“You know what? I was trying to be nice. I was trying to help you. But if you actually WANT to feel sorry for yourself, go ahead!” He said, turned on her heels, and stomped down the corridor. Jimmy raised an eyebrow and turned to Svenja, who smiled sheepishly and shrugged.

“Was I that rude?” He asked her. “I didn’t mean to be rude, I just... honestly couldn’t deal with going out right now. Going to school is hard enough.” He sighed.

“Nah, you weren’t rude. You know what she’s like, short temper.” Svenja assured him. She gave him one of those sweet little smiles that somehow always made him feel better and he quickly returned it. “She was right, though, you know? If you need anything, we’re here. Well... at least I am.” She added, briefly glancing in the direction the other girl had stormed off to. 

“Thank you. I know.” Jimmy said. “I really don’t feel like going out, though. I don’t feel like doing anything. I just wanna stay at home with my dog and watch Netflix.” He sighed. 

“That doesn’t sound half bad.” Svenja shrugged. 

“Hey... would you... uhm, maybe like to hang out? Later, I mean, after school.” He asked, feeling strangely nervous about it. Should he be feeling nervous about asking a friend to hang out? Probably not. But he did. 

“Sure! We did say we’d do that! We’re not telling Emily, though, she’s gonna tease us about it again.” She grinned and Jimmy rolled his eyes.

“Yeah... that’s probably for the better. So, we could grab some snacks after school and just go straight back to my place? Maybe order some food later, you could stay the night, we don’t have school tomorrow.” He said shyly, mumbling a little as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He felt like a teenager who just asked a girl out for the first time in his life. In a way, he did. 

“Sounds great to me!” She beamed at him before they had to split ways, as they had different lectures. Jimmy was strangely nervous as he sat in his lecture, trying to pay attention, and he didn’t quite know why. Having a friend over wasn’t anything unusual, right? He did remember the conversation he had with Robert, about him being curious about girls and all that, but he had no idea how to go about that. He couldn’t just... ask her, could he? Maybe he should just let it all happen, see how it all plays out, he thought to himself. 

Somehow, he got through the classes at school and met up with Svenja in front of the building again. They decided to go to her place first, so she could pick up some stuff she’d need for the night, then they’d hit up a supermarket on the way to Jimmy’s place to stock up on snacks and drinks. Walking next to each other, they started talking about school, what they’d learned that day, and about what shows to check out later. 

Jimmy was still a little nervous about it all, but talking to his best friend so casually was definitely helping. He felt a tad bit guilty about having those kinds of thoughts already even though he wasn’t entirely sure about how she felt about him. What if she didn’t feel that way at all and he’d end up embarrassing himself? 

Walking to the store took them through a street with a busy car repair shop and Jimmy curiously looked at the cars, still wanting to get his license sometime soon. He decided to tell Svenja about that plan of his and what kind of car he’d like to get when all of a sudden, it hit him.

The smell of motor oil. 

His stomach turned and he felt sick. He started to feel hot and cold at the same time, his skin felt clammy. His head started spinning and his ears began to ring. He froze. 

Suddenly, he found himself back in that cellar.   
He saw that window with the broken glass.  
The shards on the workbench.  
The pinup calendar from 1996 on the wall.   
The screwdriver on the floor.   
The old car magazine next to it.   
He remembered the exact words on the cover. “Britain’s best new family car 2018!”. It had burned itself into his memory. 

Then there was that open can of motor oil that had toppled over, slowly dripping on the floor. One drop at a time.   
Drip... drip... drip. 

He could hear it.   
That monotonous sound.   
He could smell it.   
Motor oil, sweat and sawdust.   
Then, he heard their voices.   
Their harsh breath in his ear.   
Their hands on his body.   
Their punches and slaps.   
The pain.  
The hands around his throat. 

Jimmy couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. Panic gripped him so tightly, it was all he could feel. He needed to get away. He was barely even aware of Svenja talking to him, wondering what was wrong, why he’d frozen and stopped walking, but then he started running. Away. From the smell. From the memories. 

He rounded a corner and came to a halt, trying to catch his breath. Svenja came dashing after him, having trouble keeping up with his long legs.

“Jimmy? Are you alright? What happened?” He heard her, but he couldn’t answer. Leaning against the wall of the building he’d stopped at, he slowly sank down to sit, hugging his knees tight to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment only to open them again, quickly, as more pictures and memories came pouring in. He still felt like he couldn’t breathe, he was gasping, but it wasn’t enough. 

“Jimmy? Oh my god... what is wrong? Talk to me!” Svenja said, clearly panicking as well. Jimmy didn’t want to talk. He wanted this to stop. He wanted the memories to go away. The sounds. The smell. Everything. He started trembling.

“Fuck... What do I do? ... Do you want me to call someone? Ambulance? Doctor?” Svenja asked, having crouched down in front of him. Now that shook Jimmy out of it, at least a little. 

He shook his head, no. He didn’t want her to call anyone, he didn’t want to be trouble. He just wanted it to stop. He tried to get his breathing back under control, his hands clutching the fabric of his jeans as he kept his arms slung around his legs.

“Robert? Should I call Robert?” She asked, reaching for the phone in the pocket of Jimmy’s jacket, but he shook his head again, no. Svenja looked at him helplessly, she didn’t know what to do either, but somehow, Jimmy was grateful that she was there. She didn’t seem convinced, though, and tried to reach for his phone again, so Jimmy felt forced to speak up, even though he really, really didn’t want to. 

“No. Please.” He said softly, his voice hitching slightly. She pulled her hand back and nodded, slightly reassured now that Jimmy was talking to her. 

She gave him a little smile and carefully offered him her hand. Jimmy glanced at it for a moment before letting go of his jeans and taking it, holding on to it. It felt warm and reassuring. He took a few deep breaths. Her hand seemed to pull him back from where he’d gone, that awful place, back into the here and now, with her. She gave him a few minutes until his breathing had evened out and he wasn’t trembling so badly anymore.

“Are you sure you don’t need me to call Robert?” She asked again, giving his hand a little squeeze. Jimmy nodded.

“Yes. Please don’t. I don’t want to... ruin this trip for him. He was looking forward to it. If he knew, he’d cut it short and come back and I don’t want him to.” He said with difficulty. It was like his brain still didn’t want to let him talk, like it was too much effort, but he had to. “He was so excited about getting to meet his favorite authors.”

“Alright. Will you be fine?” She asked.

“I think so.” Jimmy answered.

“What do you need? What can I do to help?” She then asked.

“I... I think... I want to do what we said we’d do. I can’t be alone now. Distraction helps.” He said. “If you still want to, I mean.” He then mumbled insecurely. He wouldn’t be mad at her if she didn’t want to hang out with him anymore after that. He never had this happen in front of his friends before and now he felt terribly self conscious. Robert had seen him like this, quite a few times, his therapist had, but nobody else. He didn’t want Svenja to think of him as a basket case. 

“Of course I do! I won’t leave you alone if you want me around. I’m right here.” She said warmly and gave his hand a little squeeze. 

“Thank you. I’m sorry you had to see that.” He finally sighed after a few more minutes. 

“It’s alright. It’s not your fault. Flashback?” She guessed. Jimmy nodded.

“Yeah. That smell. The motor oil. In the cellar... It felt like I was back there...” He trailed off. He couldn’t say more. His hands started trembling again and Svenja held them more tightly.

“Shh. It’s alright. You don’t have to explain.” She said gently. Jimmy was relieved when he didn’t see pity in her eyes. Worry, maybe. Anger, definitely. Not directed at him, though. At them. What they’d done to him. But no pity. Of course his friends knew about his past. They knew what happened to him, even though he’d never talked to them about it. The press had made sure of that. But at least he didn’t have to explain and he was grateful for it. 

“Let’s go.” He said, shaking himself out of it, and got back up onto his feet, gently pulling her along. To his surprise, she didn’t let go of his hand, she held on to it as they walked to her place. It helped. He still felt vaguely sick and terribly shaken, so he was grateful for the support. 

She quickly tossed some stuff into a big backpack, pj’s, a toothbrush and some other little things she might need, as Jimmy waited, trying to distract himself and his spiraling thoughts. He paced around the small room, picked up a book she had lying around, leafed through it listlessly and sighed.

Luckily, she didn’t take long and they left, hitting up the nearest supermarket just to leave with two giant bags of snacks and drinks, way more than two people could reasonably finish in a single day, but they didn’t care. Jimmy definitely didn’t. He deserved this, he thought, he needed the comfort. 

When they finally made it back to the house, Jimmy greeted Strider, then plopped down on the sofa and sighed deeply. He felt utterly exhausted now that the adrenalin had worn off. He felt the sofa dip a little to his left and looked at the girl next to him, forcing himself to give her a little smile.

“Hug?” She offered, opening her arms invitingly and he nodded, grateful. He turned towards her and let her wrap her arms around him, resting his head on her shoulder, nuzzling her hair and inhaling the sweet scent. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her a little closer before she leaned back against the backrest of the sofa, pulling him along to lie in her arms. She soothingly caressed his hair and when Strider hopped on the sofa as well to rest his head in Jimmy’s lap, he couldn’t help but smile. This was good. This was what he needed. There was nothing to be afraid of, he wasn’t alone, his best friend who cared about him and loved him was right there. It was going to be fine. 

“Thank you so, so much.” He whispered groggily, shifting a bit to be more comfortable. He was quite a bit bigger than her, but somehow, this still worked. “You’re the best friend ever.” 

“You’re welcome.” She said and kissed the top of his head, making him smile again. “Do you feel a little better now?” 

“I do. Thanks to you.” He answered. “I’m sorry I scared you.” 

“It’s alright. I just... didn’t know what to do, how to help you. I got scared when you didn’t react, when you didn’t answer.” She sighed and Jimmy cringed.

“I’m so sorry. It’s just... when that happens, it’s like my brain just shuts everything else out. I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can’t *talk*... it’s awful.” He nestled a little closer, again burying his face in her thick, brunette hair. She smelled so nice and comforting. “I hope you don’t see me any differently now, though. I don’t want you to treat me differently.” 

“I won’t. I promise.” She said. “You know... I’ve always admired you. How strong you are. How despite everything, you came out on top. It’s ok to show some weakness sometimes.” 

“I don’t like it.” He sighed. “I just want to be... normal. I want to be like everyone else.” 

“But you are. You’re going to school, you have friends, you have a job, you live this wonderful life with your amazing husband...” Svenja said and Jimmy huffed.

“Yeah. And from time to time, I freak out for no fucking reason.” He said bitterly. 

“For no reason? Really?” She asked and he felt her shaking her head. “Give yourself a break, Jimmy.” She was probably right, he thought, he’d been through a lot and no matter how much he wished it would all just go away, it never would. He’d have to live with it. He stayed silent for a while, deciding to just enjoy being held, recovering from the panic attack. 

“It’s not the only thing, you know. Me freaking out like that.” He then said. He didn’t even quite know why he was telling her this, but he felt like he needed to. She raised her hand to continue caressing his hair, just letting him talk. “I have nightmares. Sometimes, I want to run away. Sometimes I want to hurt myself. I get scared a lot. Tiny little things can set me off. A sudden noise or a flash of light. I have to check trigger warnings before I watch any movie, just in case it has certain scenes.”

“Understandable.” She said and held him a little tighter. 

“I’m terribly forgetful, too. Sometimes, there’s hours missing from my day and I don’t remember what I did. Or sometimes, I meant to do something, and then I just forget and do something else. Sometimes, Robert tells me something and I forget. He used to get upset with me until my therapist explained that it’s a symptom of PTSD.” Jimmy explained. 

“I actually noticed that.” Svenja admitted. “Sometimes, it’s like you’re not really with us and then you don’t seem to remember what happened.”

“Sorry. I tried not to let it show.” He sighed. He didn’t like that she’d noticed. He’d always tried so hard to hide that and make it seem like nothing was wrong. 

“Hey... stop apologizing. None of this is your fault. You can be honest with me, you don’t have to try and hide it anymore.” She reassured him and gave him a little squeeze. 

“I don’t even know why I’m telling you all of this. Maybe I just... want you to know? Maybe I want you to know *me*. What I’m really like. So I don’t have to hide or pretend anymore.” He sighed. 

“You don’t. You can tell me anything. I won’t think less of you.” She told him. 

“I... I used to drink so I could enjoy being with Robert without freaking out.” He then blurted out and she pulled back to glance at him.

“Really? You mean, being with him as in... sex?” She asked awkwardly and he nodded.

“Yeah. I couldn’t do it sober. I’d just freak out or it’d feel wrong or something else was off. There was always something, unless I was at least tipsy.” He sighed. 

“Did he know?” She wondered. Jimmy shook his head.

“No. Not at first, at least. He did figure it out, though. It was bad.” He mumbled and hid his face in the crook of her neck. On one hand, it was embarrassing, on the other hand, it felt oddly liberating to tell her all of this. “He thought it was because of him, he thought it was his fault. We fought. I stopped. I told my therapist. It took me a long time to get over it and to actually start enjoying it.” 

“Wow. I had no idea.” She breathed. “I just thought that... because it’s Robert and you love him and trust him... that it was ok. When you accidentally sent me that picture...” She trailed off and shifted uncomfortably.

“Oh god... I almost forgot I did that. I am SO sorry.” He said, embarrassed as he remembered the nude he’d accidentally sent to her, wanting to send it to his husband. 

“It’s alright, it was an honest mistake.” She shrugged. “I’m sorry I saw it. Uhm, that sounded wrong. I meant that I’m sorry I saw it when it wasn’t meant for my eyes.” 

“So... you wouldn’t have been sorry if it had been for you?” He sat up to look at her. Strider made an exasperated sound, annoyed at the human’s sudden movement, and went to the far corner of the big sofa to curl up there. She blinked at him and bit her lip. Her face was *red* and somehow, Jimmy liked it. 

“I... well... you know...” She stammered and nervously brushed a stray lock of hair away from her face, lowering her gaze shyly. “It was a very nice picture.” She mumbled. 

“I thought you deleted it.” Jimmy breathed.

“I did! I did.” She said quickly. “Doesn’t mean I don’t remember it.”

“Oh.” Jimmy said. Suddenly, he was very nervous again. And excited. She DID like him. She did! He was sure now! He had no idea how to take it from here, though. He didn’t even know what to say.

“I’m sorry, Jimmy, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I mean, it’s not like I *think* about it or anything...” She stammered, but Jimmy knew that wasn’t true. He could tell.

“But you do.” He said. He heard her breath hitch. She still didn’t look at him.

“I’m sorry.” She said again. “I know it’s silly. You’re married... I didn’t mean to...” She started, but Jimmy cut her off.

“It’s ok. I don’t mind.” He said gently. “It’s ok, really. I was embarrassed when it happened, but now that I know you actually liked it... that you weren’t upset or put off...” He trailed off. 

He felt so clumsy, like he had no idea what he was doing. He didn’t, not really. He still didn’t know where to take it from here. She was embarrassed and uncomfortable now and that most definitely wasn’t what he wanted. He was wrecking his brain, but he couldn’t come up with anything that could possibly salvage the situation. He opened his mouth to say something, but she beat him to it, clearing her throat awkwardly.

“So, uhm, shall we, uh, watch something? Netflix?” She said stiffly and Jimmy blinked at her.

So that was it. He had messed up, he had missed his chance. It was gone, just like that, and now everything felt awkward between them. He didn’t know what to say to steer the conversation back into that direction, it’d just make it even more awkward, so he decided to drop it, too. 

“Oh. Yeah.” He said lamely and nodded. “Well, there’s a new season of the Umbrella Academy.” 

“Hm. I haven’t seen the first one.” She said with a little pout. 

“That’s ok. I don’t mind watching it again, it’s been a while and I don’t really remember all of it.” He said quickly. 

“Ok. Well, if you don’t mind...” She said and shrugged. Jimmy shook his head and reached for the remote, switching on the TV, still trying to think of something to say that would make this less awkward. Maybe he’d just wait a little, let it all settle and cool down, maybe it’d be fine eventually?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. That didn't go as planned.


End file.
